Love Letter

This writer was able to say exactly how I feel. Please, read on.

Love Letter by N. Love Wither

I write this for the one who has yet to enter my life.

As I sit here, pen in hand, my thoughts drift to the day our paths will cross.

It may not be today...unlikely tomorrow...maybe not anytime soon.

Despite my discouragements, I know that you're out there.

I have saved up my deepest and truest emotions for you, and I know that one day I'll be able to fear no more.

To be able to finally break down my barriers and let this heart learn to love and be loved.

I have been shattered, like the words spoken from the ones who came before you. I have been reduced to almost nothing by someone's irresponsible games. I've felt abandoned and discarded. I have felt unwanted, unloved, uncared for...And this has made me somewhat bitter...unattached...cautious. And the only thoughts that bring me back are thoughts of you. That someday, someone will feel for me what I have felt for the others who've come my way. The hope of finally being able to let my heart be in the care of someone I trust...someone other than myself, gives me something to look forward to.

I have my insecurities...and no doubt I'm not perfect. I've finally accepted the fact that I lack in certain aspects: I might not be the smartes, or most talented...and at times, I admit, my jokes are corny. But know this...

I will be at your side when you need me.

I will help you get through your sorrows and wipe away the tears.

I will laugh with you at the dumbest jokes...and even at the ones I don't get or don't think are funny.

I will share the silence with you when you want the company, but not the conversation.

I will walk with you through moments in your life when you don't want to be alone, and cheer you on when I can't be beside you.

I will keep you grounded if ever your triumphs get the best of you.

I will pick you up and encourage you when you fall and lose faith in yourself.

I will reassure you that your flaws are not your setbacks, but the reality that makes you the person you are. However, it does not define you.

And best of all... I will love you with everything I have to give that it will last you ten lifetimes...you will never be without it.

So still...I sit here, pen in hand...waiting patiently for our worlds to collide. And I am somewhat at comfort in knowing that you're out there and we'll find each other when the time is right.

It may not be today...unlikely tomorrow...but the faith I have in God and love gives me hope that our time WILL come.

For now, I write this letter for the one who has yet to enter my heart; knowing that one day you'll read this and know that even before I met you...before I knew you...I was thinking about you.

Thank you, N. Love, for writing the words I cannot come up with. Thank you for expressing my feelings for me. Thank you for giving me hope that, no matter how distant in the future it may be, he will come.

~spanishdude

Of the sane, the weird, and everything in between

Six years of working, six years of trying to fit in, six years of searching …

I have been a member of the Philippine Workforce and Taxpayers’ list for six years – going seven, actually – and I have never seen a group that’s composed of people so different from each other, seeing them eat lunch together is like watching NatGeo – it keeps you glued – until January 22, 2013 came along, that is.

Cast of characters:

The Fashionista. Quite possibly the sister I never had, The Fashionista was the one who introduced me to this zany bunch. She’s smart, she’s hot, and she’s passionate about a whole bunch of stuff. Only smart people are allowed to date this fox. Unfortunately, boys, you have lost the game before it has even started for two reasons: (1) She’s taken, and (2) she’s lesbian. Oh, wait! What game? Boys weren't even players in the match. *snickers*

Gogo Yubari-esque. Pretty, smart, disciplined, works hard, (insert another praise here), and (and another here). She was 1/3 of those who welcomed me to the gang with practically open arms. This “Gogo Yubari” is just as fierce (and, personally, a little bit just as scary) as the Gogo in Kill Bill when it comes to her work. She’s warm, welcoming, friendly… and also taken and dedicated.

Hanky Girl. This lady was the second third of those who welcomed me to the gang on my first day. Hanky Girl is a wacky person. She never fails to make me laugh. She could use a tad bit more confidence in her (I mean, she is a pretty lady), but in totality, I dare say she’s the most wide-ranged in the group (i.e. she can speak to you using whatever tone you are most comfortable in). From books, to movies, to musicals, Hanky Girl is my girl!

The Chef. I have never met The Chef in person, but I can tell she’s a fabulous lady! I recently read an entry in her blog, and if you do the same, I’m sure you’ll be able to tell that this lady isn't one you want to mess with – she’s been taught and trained by life and experience, and that, my dear readers, is the highest form of education and training one could ever receive! Longing to try out her cuisine (and hopefully soon), I look forward to the day when I actually get to see her and interact with her in person. That would be a day to mark in my calendar.

Mr. MIA. Mr. MIA is The Chef’s better half. He is the last third that made my first day a complete joy. He’s a sweetheart: caring, sweet, funny… The Chef won a big catch in him. I don’t think I've spent as much time with him as I actually want to, but, I guess, time will come. *smiles*

The Maestro. The Maestro is my musical twin. He’s into the same music I listen to, sings the same songs I do, and he loves harmonizing in songs like I do. He is a sweet boy(-at-heart), and possibly the gang’s baby. Nonetheless, I guess all artists have their quirks, and The Maestro’s quirk takes getting used to if you constantly have to read it in threads every day. He even has his own term: “Maestro-fied”.

The Moderator. Alas! Everyone’s “big brother”. Simple, quiet, not exactly reserved, but you get my point. Every time the conversation goes from intellectual to highly maestro-fied, this bastard (I’m so LMAO-ing right now!) sobers everyone up. He takes care of the gang like a brother would his siblings. Everyone loves The Moderator.

The Novelist. A man displaced from time, he seriously belongs in the 70s. This novelist is unlike any of the writers I’ve met (outside this group, I mean – and yes, we’re all writers in the group, readers). While most writers use blossoming, flowery words in their day-to-day interaction, this dude will tell you exactly what’s on his mind point-blank. He’s either black or white, no grays. This is also the trait I love most about him. This, and the respect and premium he gives to people.

The Einstein. I’m so sorry I could only call him Einstein when, in fact, he’s more like a genius behind dinosaurs! He doesn't talk much in the conversations, but when he does… let’s just say if you do not learn anything from any random 10 sentences he says, I’m willing to buy you Starbucks everyday for a month! You know what they say about men of few words, right? Good, ‘cause I don’t. *smiles broadly*

Different people, different personalities, and different characters in an unending story of friendship – this is my crowd. This is my new family. This is The Gang. We are all bound together by common love for life, friends, books, music, intelligent conversations, and passion for living.

The moment I met these guys, I knew they automatically fall under the 10-years-and-beyond category of friends. My years of searching are over. I’m home now.

Now, where do I fit in all this, you ask? Why, I’m

The Queen. I am also known as Your Majesty. I am the resident full-fledged gay guy. I am everything my title entails, and more. I strive to make things light and gay (happy and homo). I am the newest addition to the group, and hopefully I won’t be the last. People deserve to meet these guys. People deserve to enjoy their company as much as I do. People NEED to learn from them. This monarch has been found wanting, and now she’s complete in the presence and company of The Gang.

This is a special note for two people aforementioned: Eds J and E – read, don’t edit. *wink*

You Haven't Seen the Last of Me

A threat:
To everyone who has let me down in the past, to past loves who have broken my heart, to the people who have rejected me, to those who have put me in trouble.

A promise:
To those who have stood by me all this time, to those who restlessly, tirelessly, continuously, unconditionally love me and support me.

An encouragement:
To everyone who may need it.







~spanishdude

Cosmic Plea

Venus and Mars on Earth, in one

Ready to love, but taken by none.

Born under the Aquarian sky

His heart's out on his sleeves, so don't tell a lie.

He dances and sings

He smokes, he drinks:

No creme de la creme

But living La Vie Boheme!

He sends this invite to everyone

Would somebody answer, please, anyone?

"Come share my journey" he calls out.

He's worth your time, without a doubt.

Should the Universe agree,

This he promises thee:

The sun and moon, and stars as well.

Love of his life, come out of your shell!

Otro Amor Vendrá

Otro Amor Vendrá is a very nice song by Lara Fabian. It's the song that kept me hoping all through these months. As it has in the past, this song had me waiting for a better love to come.


Nothing is set in stone. Nothing is permanent but change... but we have the option to make the most of what we have.


If only for the recent events, I'm happy. I may have found love again. I am hopeful.


I hope you enjoy the song as I did. For those who prefer listening to the song in English, you may click here.






~spanishdude

Starting the Year

This is my first blog for the year and it marks my 25th year of existence.

Happy birthday, spanishdude.

I only had 1 request of the universe for my birthday, and I got the answer to it pretty quickly -- the answer was a 'no'.

I wanted to have him back today. He said no. Tough luck.

The Hebrews have a proverb that says "If you want something bad enough, the whole universe will conspire to give it to you". I know I want him really bad, so I guess the universe isn't listening.

He's right beside me, sleeping peacefully like a baby. I know I got nothing to complain about. We're no longer together, yet he's still here, "celebrating" my day with me. Truth be told, I got absolutely nothing planned today. I just want to bum around with him -- and I'm doing just that.

Sometimes, counting one's blessings is tough especially when thoughts of what lacks come to play:

- Dad in the States, slaving himself for money.

- Mom six feet under the ground since 2006.

- Him not wanting to come back to me.

- Currently job hunting.

My mentor told me that everything is just about Perception and Objectives. So what do I want to focus on this year? What counts? What matters? What do I already have?

To address bullet number 1, dad is in the States to earn for his family -- and that includes me. Sooner or later I will be with him there, so I guess that's not really a big issue.

To address bullet number 2, my mom has put her subtitutes in place. She has put them down so strategically that I have a "mother" for various specific needs. I am covered.

To address bullet number 4, I'm not entirely out-of-job; I'm getting paid to chill and look for a new post within the company and outside the company. What's the worry?

Now this leaves bullet number 3 unaddressed. I seriously have no answer to this one. I guess when they said "Love is blind", they weren't kidding. Love blinds you. Love takes out that sense so much that I cannot see what lies before me. All I want is him. He has, once again, become the center of my life. I want him. I want him back.

I can feel my 25th year starting with another blow to the gut of emotions and a big ocean of tears is well on its way to my ducts. I will fight it as hard as I could, but I think I will fail again.

I hope for the improvement of my year. I pray for the betterment of all the aspects of my life. I wish for everything to turn out as well as I envisioned everything to be.

If at least for today, I choose to be happy. To borrow the words of my mentor, "suffering is optional".

If at least for today, I will have fun.

~spanishdude

Coffee Shop

Dear Starbucks customers:

As overrated as Starbucks, admittedly, is, it is still, first and foremost, a coffee shop.

As such, may we please ask you to respect the "auditory space" of the other patrons by keeping your voices down.

Thank you very much for your undying patronage.

~spanishdude928

Gravity by Sara Bareilles

Something always brings me back to you.

It never takes too long.

No matter what I say or do
I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.

You keep me without chains.

I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

[CHORUS]:

Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.

Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.

But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.

When I thought that I was strong.

But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone.

[back to CHORUS]

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need here on the ground.

But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.

The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

YOU’RE KEEPING ME DOWN, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

You're on to me, on to me, and all over...

Something always brings me back to you.

It never takes too long.

Is it really worth it?

A friend from a social networking site posted this on his wall:

"Save the night. Save the day.

Save your love, come what may.

Love is worth everything we pay."

Is it really worth it, though? Is love worth everything we pay?

Every year, my family celebrates Thanksgiving by preparing a lavish meal on the Saturday following the actual Thanksgiving day. This year, it was tonight.

A few days ago, my stepmom told me that she invited The X over to join us for our annual Thanksgiving Dinner. I said yes. Heck! I'm good to go. I'm still in the process of moving on, but I was sure that I could handle it.

Tonight I got to see him again. Tonight I got to spend time with him again. Tonight... tonight he managed to shatter me to pieces again.

I've spent 5 months of trying to recuperate from the crash. I've spent 5 months trying to move on. I've spent 5 grueling months forcing myself to believe that I'm fine and that I'll be okay...

...and it took him 2 lazy hours to have me disillusioned once more.

Is it still worth it? Is love still worth everything we pay?

I pay with tears. I pay with sadness. I pay with grievances. I pay with pain.

I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.

Is it, now, still worth it?

Yesteryear

If tonight

were a night

from yesteryear

I know

I would be home

nestled in your embrace.

But tonight

is not

from yesteryear

so I search

the night

for anything

that could

Fill

the void.

History Repeats Itself

"History repeats itself" was, and is, something that is common for a lot of people.

They fail to realize (as I have only realized now) that 'history' repeating itself may be someone's story from way back when, and now it is yours, too, to share.

Read on.



...fuck

learn.

learn.

learn to say goodbye.

learn to accept that it is not because it was not meant to be.

he just doesn't want it. want you.

the small slices at the heart-core, that eats away at your vitality.

would one stab be more merciful?

...fuck.



*Taken from the blogs of Noir Kohl

Abril

ya es abril... y creo que debíamos volar los papalotes...

pero está muerto el viento...

se trae el viento nuestros sueños.

sin embargo ya no soñamos.

¡alás!

está muerto el viento.

y ya no podemos volar los papalotes.



*tomado directamente de los blogs de Noir Kohl

Coat of Arms: Bordered 4-Quadrant Shield, Crest, Supporters

You know how you get those days when you're simply out-of-sync, like you're whole body is going haywire? Well, I got one of those days last Thursday.

I was sick and I absolutely did not want to work. So, I spent my whole shift talking to colleagues. I just unveiled, however, that one of my "sisters" from work, Sol Invictus, is a geek! No wonder I loved speaking with him.

By some freak of nature, our conversations flowed from one topic to another, and then we landed on the topic of having Coats of Arms.

Have you ever imagined yourself being one of the royalties wearing your own emblem, your own symbol, your own insignia? Have you ever thought of having much more than your written signature as a way to "sign your name"?

I have, and I have always wanted to bring my family's crest wherever I go. Unfortunately, I could not find any available crests/Coats of Arms from any of my families, save for my middle name, Pereyra; but the one that I found in the Internet is not a genuine crest.

I was very happy to know that Sol Invictus was more than willing to "create" my very own Coat of Arms. We researched on a whole load of information about my family, but mostly, we only needed to translate what my names meant. As all of my names are of Spanish lineage, we had no troubles getting their meanings.

The picture above is a rough draft of what my "invented" coat of arms would look like when Sol Invictus finishes drawing it. A lot of things will still change: the pillars, the colors, the shield itself. Nonetheless, here's a preview of what it should look like, and below are the meanings of each symbol you see above (disclaimer: The Rules of Heraldry is a tedious topic to learn, much more to discuss. The "terminologies" you will see below are my own definition of what the symbols/pieces are in accordance to how I understood the rules. They are not to be taken as the actual terminology used in Heraldry):

1. Coat of Arms: 4 Quadrants - My invented Coat of Arms would have the four (4) quadrants, showing my lineage (from top to bottom, left to right): Santos-Nopuente-Pereyra-Zialcita.




2. Crest: The Mythical Phoenix - I have always been enamored to the immortal bird of flame. I would love to think that, like the phoenix, I never die. Although there are trials that come my way, I may falter, I may bleed, but never will I die. As the phoenix rises from the ashes, so shall I always be reborn to a better version of me.




3. Supporters: The Grecian Influence - To the left, you have the Greek god of music, Apollo, with his Golden Lyre. To the right, you have the Greek muse of music and lyric poetry, Euterpe. Both the god and the muse are facing outward to signify my longing for my music to be heard.




4. Border: The Sampaguita - This species of the Jasmine flower is the national flower of the Philippines. This is to symbolize my nationality, a Filipino. Although my lineage is mainly Spanish, the border of Sampaguita encompasses all lines as a whole shield. I may be Spanish by lineage and blood, but I am a Filipino by all intents and purposes.

My Coat of Arms is not yet complete, and I am looking forward to seeing the revised version soon. I would just like to note that this is an invented design. This is not registered, and this is not official.

If you wish to have yours made, you may want to get in touch with the College of Arms in your country. The most-probably-accurate College of Arms that the Philippines would have would have to be in Spain, Castille and/or León (I think). I am not very sure of my information, but you are more than welcome to research on it. Don't be shy to share whatever findings you may have!

I am thrilled to have this design soon! I have great respect and adoration for the artistic capabilities of Sol Invictus, and I am very thankful to him for helping me make this dream a reality!






Sang'gre Ashte Sol Invictus: ¡Muchísimas gracias por todo!

Cathartic Release

AWWWWWWFFFFUUUCCCKKIIITTTT!!!

I have nothing more to say. I'm just... venting. :)

The Man Who Can't Be Moved

THE MAN WHO CAN'T BE MOVED

The Script

Going Back to the corner where I first saw you
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move
Got some words on cardboard, got your picture in my hand
Saying, "If you see this girl can you tell her where I am?"

Some try to hand me money, they don't understand
I'm not broke I'm just a broken hearted man
I know it makes no sense but what else can I do
How can I move on when I'm still in love with you

'cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinkin maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet
And you'll see me waiting for you on the corner of the street
So I'm not moving, I'm not moving

Policeman says, "Son you can't stay here"
I said, "There's someone I'm waiting for if it's a day, a month, a year"
Gotta stand my ground even if it rains or snows
If she changes her mind this is the first place she will go

[Chorus:]
'cause If one day you wake up and find that you're missing me
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet
And you'll see me waiting for you on our corner of the street
So I'm not moving, I'm not moving,
I'm not moving, I'm not moving

People talk about the guy that's waiting on a girl
There are no holes in his shoes but a big hole in his world

Maybe I'll get famous as the man who can't be moved
Maybe you wont mean to but you'll see me on the news
And you'll come running to the corner
'cause you'll know it's just for you
I'm the man who can't be moved

[Chorus 2x]

Going back to the corner where I first saw you
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag, I'm not gonna move

~spanishdude

Fifi

OK. I admit: This trying-to-be poem was done in haste, but it doesn't necessarily mean I didn't mean every word. :)

Fifi, you are, and forever will be, my greatest love.

FIFI

Hibiscus tea from me to you

I thought of getting you a cup

I ordered out of the blue

'coz maybe you were held up.

I love you, Beb

I know you know this too,

I'm happy that you ebb (haha!)

Does this make sense to you?! (LOL!)

I'm trying hard, I hope you know

To get us back the way we were

To gain your trust, I know I must show

That I deserve you beyond blur.

I promise to always be here

When you need me, and when you don't.

There's no place I'd rather be

But in your arms, in your fold.

To end this impromptu literature,

I just want to say:

I LOVE YOU, you beautiful creature

PLEASE come home to stay.

~spanishdude

n0BoDy'S PherF3c+

Ok, ok. I'm no fan of Jejemons either, but just to drive a point, I wrote the title of the blog that way.

Enjoy the song, y'all!

~spanishdude

Down

Here's a cover done by Sam Tsui of the song Down by Jay Sean.

I found the song better slow. Haha!

Enjoy!

~spanishdude

Ocean Park -- Luneta, Manila, RP

SO NOT WORTH IT!

If you love fish and the aquatic thingumajig, then I guess PHP350-400 is not a big deal.

However............

If you are not the aforementioned and you are about to go to Ocean Park: The Oceanarium for entertainment and learning, then I'd tell you that Discovery Channel and Animal Planet is soooooo much better!!!

Here's what you'll see as you enter the cheap imitation of Ariel's world:

As you step inside this big aquarium, you'll find yourself being stared at by a kick-ass big fish (don't ask me for names, I didn't read them) -- the size of a 5-year old child swimming inside a tank of water. Of course, if you and your party will be there on your own (which is unlikely on a payday weekend), you'll find yourselves in the middle of a lot of other parties busy taking pictures beside the tanks (GOD! I could almost hear them screaming "Photo op! FaceBook, here I come!")! Beside the tank of the big-as-a-human-being-fish, would be two other tanks of less-interesting fish.

You'd find a staircase leading to a landing where you'd see crocodiles (or alligators -- can't tell which is which) staying still near the water. Again, you'd find other people taking pictures. On one side of the landing, there's another tank that showcases another species of fish -- not impressive, if I may add.

Following the staircase-landing-staircase, you step down into a different part of the deep-blue. Of course, there are other tanks of fish, and a tank that showcases small fishies and a little turtle (yes, just one -- well at least I saw just one that seemed lost to me). You bathe yourself in a "sea" of colors and your breath is suddenly taken by the stars. Behind the tank of the little fishies and the turtle, you will find a tank of little sharkies and starfishes and sea cucumbers. The visitors are allowed to hold the starfish and sea cucumber that's in the floating hard plastic (Tupperware, if you will). You are warned NOT to dip your hands in to the water because the little sharkies may bite. Of course that did not stop the masa from doing so -- not until the Ocean Park marshal told them not to. To the adults, he'd say "Sir, dito lang po; huwag po sa tubig." (Sir, here; not the ones in the water.), and to the kids, he'd say "Huwag diyan. Kakagatin kayo ng pating!" (Not there. The sharks will bite you!). It didn't surprise me, of course, to see the kids suddenly flee the tank.

After the rather amusing/a-bit-scary tank of starfishes, you enter the world of the reefs.

In this darkened area, you'd see lots of different tanks of small fish that are... in a word... boring -- save for the tank of seahorses and the tank for the Giant Spider Crap (I meant CRAB, not CRAP). Much to my demise, the horses were asleep when we visited, and I didn't see much action aside from their tails groping the reef. You go 'round and 'round and you'd see the different reef fish -- including the very delicious Tahong.

Once you step out of the reef area, you suddenly expose yourself to a better place. Now things start to look interesting and promising. Now you're in an area where they feature the big, scary, mean-looking fish. Big, fat fish that would look at you like it wants to eat you -- and that it knows that it could eat you. Yet, they are very interesting. In this receiving area, you will find the entrance to Buhay na Karagatan (The Living Ocean).

The Living Ocean is probably the highlight of the whole trip. This part of the oceanarium gives you the feeling of singing with Sebastian, but stay dry. You'd see the interaction of the different species with each other. You'd see the interaction of the different species of fish with the corals and reef and its surroundings. You'd see the interaction of the aquatic living creatures with the terrestrial living creatures (yeah, the human beings) as they tap the glass. And you'd see the interaction of the terrestrial living creatures among themselves (yes, taking pictures, posing, taking more pictures, and posing some more). This was the WORST part of the trip for me. Why, you may ask? Simply because I was not able to enjoy the tank and the walk because of all the people there -- sitting, posing, taking pictures. I felt so ashamed to stay -- my boyfriend and I felt as if we were disturbing their pictorials! Disregarding the people taking photos, it was amazing. It feels a little incomplete and leaves you hanging because it's a very short walk. It's 25-meter short. The picture above is a preview of that walk.

Out of that aquatic-but-manage-to-keep-yourself-dry tunnel, you'd find the tanks of the bullies of the ocean. Sharks. The Pagi and Pating areas showcase a big tank of the different types of Pacific Sharks there are in the Philippines territories. Over-head, there's a floating tank of Stingrays. One word: AMAZING. Well, okay. I'm biased. I've always found rays amusing. Those angels of the deep-blue just mesmerize me with the way the swim. Maybe that's why I found it amazing. The sharks are scary. I didn't see any teeth, but I saw one shark bully another shark -- and I'm thankful my boyfriend was the one closer to the tank when it happened. He shrieked!

You step out of the whole oceanarium, go up, and you find the Fish Spa. I don't know what kind of fish it is, but they eat your feet. Just kidding. They eat the dry skin off of your body. They claim it's therapeutic. We never tried it, though. Like every other spas there are in the metro, you don't get to enter without paying a fee.

Now after the spa... It's all over.


Now the facts:

1. My boyfriend and I were there at roughly 6:30PM Philippine Standard Time (that's GMT +8). Maybe that's why the proper "sun" lighting was out and the tour would have been so much better with it.
2. Boyfriend and I only had 3-4 hours of sleep.
3. The traffic everywhere around Manila was bad.
4. The cab we rode was hot as hell -- and stunk like Durian.

I already told my boyfriend that I want to go back and re-experience The Oceanarium. I'll give a better feedback by then.

But until then, thanks for reading. Don't let this one review dissuade you from going there and experience the big, deep-blue on your own.

'Til next time.

~spanishdude

Elephant Love Medley

For all you hopeless romantic homo couples out there...
For all you hopeless romantic hetero couples out there...

Err...

For all you hopeless romantics...

Enjoy!

~spanishdude