Happy birthday, spanishdude.
I only had 1 request of the universe for my birthday, and I got the answer to it pretty quickly -- the answer was a 'no'.
I wanted to have him back today. He said no. Tough luck.
The Hebrews have a proverb that says "If you want something bad enough, the whole universe will conspire to give it to you". I know I want him really bad, so I guess the universe isn't listening.
He's right beside me, sleeping peacefully like a baby. I know I got nothing to complain about. We're no longer together, yet he's still here, "celebrating" my day with me. Truth be told, I got absolutely nothing planned today. I just want to bum around with him -- and I'm doing just that.
Sometimes, counting one's blessings is tough especially when thoughts of what lacks come to play:
- Dad in the States, slaving himself for money.
- Mom six feet under the ground since 2006.
- Him not wanting to come back to me.
- Currently job hunting.
My mentor told me that everything is just about Perception and Objectives. So what do I want to focus on this year? What counts? What matters? What do I already have?
To address bullet number 1, dad is in the States to earn for his family -- and that includes me. Sooner or later I will be with him there, so I guess that's not really a big issue.
To address bullet number 2, my mom has put her subtitutes in place. She has put them down so strategically that I have a "mother" for various specific needs. I am covered.
To address bullet number 4, I'm not entirely out-of-job; I'm getting paid to chill and look for a new post within the company and outside the company. What's the worry?
Now this leaves bullet number 3 unaddressed. I seriously have no answer to this one. I guess when they said "Love is blind", they weren't kidding. Love blinds you. Love takes out that sense so much that I cannot see what lies before me. All I want is him. He has, once again, become the center of my life. I want him. I want him back.
I can feel my 25th year starting with another blow to the gut of emotions and a big ocean of tears is well on its way to my ducts. I will fight it as hard as I could, but I think I will fail again.
I hope for the improvement of my year. I pray for the betterment of all the aspects of my life. I wish for everything to turn out as well as I envisioned everything to be.
If at least for today, I choose to be happy. To borrow the words of my mentor, "suffering is optional".
If at least for today, I will have fun.
~spanishdude
